Thoughts

I’m not gay.

Or bi.

I’m not; I’m not; I’m not.

this isn’t ME.

It never was.

*sigh*

(You could just accept it, ya know.)

Yeah right.

And have my heart spontaneously

combust or go into overdrive with the

fear and the unknown?

No, thank you very much.

I am straight…because well,

it’s what I’ve always been.

(Maybe those feelings have changed…)

Shut up, would you!

I am just……

lonely.

And depressed and desperate.

The same as I ever was around her.

I like guys.

(And some girls?)

No.  No. nononono. No.

Not an option.

I REFUSE to let that be an option–

Just because I had a relationship with HER,

doesn’t mean I’m gay or bi or anything.

(But what if you liked another girl in the future?)

Well I don’t!

Unless she’s femme (like myself), capable of being my best friend FIRST, and openly not straight.

but no.

Just because I’m backsliding with thoughts of her (and boy,

like those will ever go away haha)….

Oh god.

Am I still in love with her?

Probably.

No. This is NOT a thing.

I AM NOT GAY.

(well aren’t you scared?  Don’t you feel like you have a mask on for everyone?)

of COURSE I do!

And she was the ONLY one who I believe will

EVER get to see me with the mask off.

She loved me, you know.

She loved me, and I loved her with all my soul-

and now….(NOW),

I feel like my soul has been razed to ash without

the presence of her.

If only….she was a guy.

And it felt more normal.

(And less wrong.)

And more, holy?

It felt like I was using her from the start-

I tried to tell her,

but she’d have none of it.

Uhm…..so now what do I do?

I’m stuck.

I’m thinking about her.

(always.  Tbh, that never changes.)

And of course,

gravitating toward same-sex stories/fanfiction/books,

and trying to ignore the

terrifying adrenaline-pumping and dry mouth feeling that I get in

the pit of my stomach whenever

I try to objectively look

at myself like this.

What do I remember from her?

Anything?

Yah.

Fear. (SO MUCH fear.)

Lust.

Desire.

Guilt turning into sickness.

Longing.

Heartbreak.

(Throw in a smattering of tears, sobbing,

whispered nothings, makeout sessions,

twisted desire, forcing myself to think a certain way to

be who she needed, and that

about sums up our relationship.)

I did the same to her.

Except I broke her heart,

in the end.

(God, she probably

HATES me.)

What is WRONG with me?????????

ARRRRRGGGHGHGH!

(If only I could be normal, ya know?)

Where my dreams didn’t HAVE to turn into

same-sex desires because she always made it sound like

I had a choice when I was with her but really

her and I both knew that the only choice

was each other

or bust.

And when I really wanted out,

like f’real,

she just….

I couldn’t go.

She wouldn’t let me.

She would cry

or get all,

weepy,

and then I would have to keep

picking up her broken pieces.

It felt like death.

At first, I used her to make me

come to life,

to feel alive again.

But over time,

it just felt like dying.

And there was no way out.

I didn’t have a choice.)

I don’t know if she did…..I always tried to

make it seem like she never HAD

to stay.

But hey, maybe I did.

Who knows?

Goodbye, my walls.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmMHvKaWXF0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fK3fVJtFTh0

(God’s overjoyed when we just let him do the job he’s best at: being himself and taking care of you tenderly.)

Goodbye, my lover-

my walls of secret sin–

whispering in my ear:

“You’re not good enough” “You don’t

deserve love”

“Grace isn’t real”

“God doesn’t love you;

He doesn’t care”

“He isn’t FOR you, then WHY did

you have to break up with her?”

“Why is your heart broken if your Savior

loves it so  much?”

“Who ARE you?”

“You’ll  never get past who you used to be….

your past.”  “It’ll haunt you.”

“you’ll never let it go” —

and so on.

The expectations that drowned me.

The societal pressures that almost broke me;

tried to make me cave.

I have caved.

Utterly.

Completely.

At a loss for words and in a broken, jumbled, tangled,

awe-struck, angry, prideful, pathetic, trembling-

scared mess of limbs at my Lord’s feet.

And he whispered “no.”

He whispered “stay.”

He whispered “I’ve come so that you may have life

and have it abundantly.”

“I didn’t come to save those who were well;

I’m the great physician who came to save those who are sick.”

“I won’t EVER reject you;

I will never reject a broken heart.”

“I am He, He who comforts you.

He who holds you and protects you and LOVES

you through my grace and mercy.

I am the Jesus who washed your feet,

who wants to gently wash the lies,

lust, fear from your eyes

and restore you to your full beauty.

To my daughter.  By adoption through my spirit.

(And no, you can’t control it, darling.)

Will you let me?

Will you let take my place as your loving Lord?

Will you let me wash you anew in water and the word?

Every minute, of every second,

of every day?

I love you.  For eternity.

Since the beginning of time;

when you were with me even then,

and it was MY job to set the

prisoners free,

bind up the broken-hearted,

and to see you.  As you are.

Who you are;

not who everyone’s said you’ve ‘had to be.'”

So goodbye, my walls-

my little lovers of lies,

of pain, of malice.

If I’m going to be WEAK and fall,

then I’m going to be STRONG and BEAUTIFUL when

I break in His arms.

His love will always sustain us.

His grace is for us.

His heart hears our pain and anguish.

He. LOVES. Us.

Our worth is in our God…not because of anything we ever did!

But because we are saved by GRACE thru

FAITH.

Simple.

If you believe in your heart that Jesus is your Lord and Savior,

and confess with your mouth that God raised him from the dead, you shall be saved.

This other crap I’ve been thinking about–

that’s NOT of God.

It’s my true enemy, Satan-

trying to distract me from accomplishing my

purpose, my passion,

my DESIRE,

the point I was made and placed on this earth with

my given experiences at this point in time.

Shut up, Satan.  I am AWESOME.  I am FEARLESS.

I am BEAUTIFUL.  I AM HIS.  You have NO hold over me anymore!

In the name of Jesus Christ!

The Holy Spirit is my God, too–

and I’m NEVER going to be able to rationalize out the mystery of God.

So I’m becoming small, (sinking),

and trusting.

“David didn’t beat Goliath because he FOUGHT well,

but because he BELIEVED well.” ~Esther, ‘One Night With the King’

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWi5iXnguTU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTAn-tk2pDA

Open Heart

For-a-seed-to-achieve-its-greatest-expression

I plan to live 2015 with an ‘Open Heart.’

No matter the consequences, no matter the cost; I’m allowing God to open up my heart and thaw me from the inside out.

To break away the ice chips and stony rocks that have accumulated there……

And shine the ever-brightening love of his Son in me.  Through me.  Warming me and holding my tightly secure and safe.

He’s the only one that can, and I am oh so desperate for his healing grace and love.

Yeah, I talk alot…but do I actually do anything about it?

Today, I did, actually.

I sat down with a good friend of mine, and we just talked.

(I told him that I had a girlfriend last year and didn’t even phase him.)

Wow.  I am really thankful for a God like that, who could love me so much that He’s passionately committed to pursuing, using, restoring, growing, cracking, breaking and opening me up through the hurt.

I was so afraid of Him.

but ‘perfect love casts out fear.’

His name is Immanuel, which means ‘God with us.’

He loves us, is for us, not against us–

if we only let. Him. in.

And stop shutting him out.

For me?

That means I’m taking time just…doing nothing.  Testing the limits and waters of my so-called ‘freedom’ of being His daughter in this relationship.  I’m resting.  Praying.  Trying the whole ‘trust’ factor.

Because I need you, Lord.  Every hour I need you.  Only you can do this through me, for me, (even against my own flesh or will, Holy Spirit.)  Cleanse my heart and make me clean!  Show me your affection for myself and all the other lovely people and creations that you have made on this planet we temporarily call home!  I NEED YOU!

I allow you access to do what you must do in me, Lord.  You have won me with your grace, love and mercy…and though I don’t know ANYTHING, I want to follow.  I want to give everything to follow you, Lord.  God, Father, Abba–I want to be close to you and hear your heartbeat for all of mankind.  For all of us, for your children.

I don’t want to fight.  I don’t want to run.  Abba, please, I’m asking you; can you just hold me?

Can I rest in your grace for my whole life and beyond that?

Can you be my Daddy, my best friend, and my lover?

Can you take away the fear?

Can you make me Yours?  Wholly Yours?

Can you?

Please.

Yes, Lord.

Please do.

I’ll—I submit.

I surrendur.

Okay.

I’ll let you do the heavy lifting, even though I’d prefer to be in control.

Thank you for your presence, Abba.

We love you-Amen.

http://blogs.bible.org/engage/laura.murray/what_can_thaw_a_frozen_heart

cropped-170582c8bd08e61e4f64f11ed27a797b.jpg

Because we’re loved…even when we don’t feel worthy of love

getty_rf_photo_of_broken_wooden_heart

69430df67b569ba4dbc8ebba1fe5697c

It’s the truth…..

I had a girlfriend.  And an amazing one at that.

Maybe I didn’t appreciate her enough…maybe.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But Maybe….

I didn’t ‘love’ her.

I don’t know what love is.

It sure felt like it, though.

But it didn’t.  Because the entire time I was saying ‘I love you’

it felt like I was kissing her with the lips of a liar

behind my words.

I had this….

uncomfortable–gnawing–

feeling, in the pit

of my stomach –

whenever she gazed at with me with those

sexual blue eyes.

I didn’t like who I was around her.

I don’t know who I am now, without her.

but I’m alive, and it’s snowing outside so gently….

and somewhere, someway,

I will find myself back on the path of who I’ve always been meant to be.

Guy (or girl) in the future, or no.

Certainly, I thought she would be the only one….

the only female I could ever attempt to ‘love’ in the

psychotic, depressed,

broken state I was in.

But maybe, (as terrifying as this is),

that’s not so.

I have no clue.

I don’t feel restful with this issue.

I guess I’ll have to catalog it for further reference in the future of my mind,

keep my poise,

and lay low for awhile.

Rip off the boards, cages, and iron

expectations

that have been holding me back

for so long.

And just….breathe.

I don’t have to have everything figured out, and that’s okay.

My life is NOT a fairytale, and that’s okay.

I am BROKEN inside, and that’s okay.

It hasn’t been ‘OKAY’ inside of me for a long time now–

and that’s okay!!!

The One who holds the universe in His hands, orders the stars to come out at night one by one,

KNOWS me, inside and out

will never let me fall from His arms (though I’m free to run anywhere),

who passionately pursues me with a furious jealousy–

that is the One who will restore me and make all things right in the end.

The journey is a privilege; I will not fear.  For you are with me.

You love me.  You keep me safe.  I am yours.  I am held.  That’s all I need to know, Jesus.

I don’t want to think anymore because I couldn’t possibly comprehend the plans you have for me.

It’s time to let go.

And for the first time in my life, accept unconditional love and grace that you are offering for my soul.  Just because you love me.

“But whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster.” -Psalm 1:33

“I give them eternal life, and they will NEVER perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.” – John 10:28

Now

This blog might be supposed to be happy.

Well, I’m not happy right now.

Honestly?

I’m pathetically and hopefully lost.

I have nothing to hold onto.

Sure, God.  But I just….can’t quite do that yet.

Don’t wanna be seen as weird; wanna be seen as normal, accepted and good enough.

Don’t know if I can trust him….(my parents are great and all….but how can I know God won’t reject me?)

Can’t trust myself.  Wanna be independent, on my own, and be good enough for him….have everything figured out.

Can’t open those doors of my heart that I’ve sealed off as soon as her and I parted ways;

aint no one gettin’ in there.

They’re locked.  He’ll have to shout to be heard,,or batter his way in.  His choice.

He has to break down the walls to get to my heart, and I know I don’t make it easy.

And if he chooses not to do that…well, then-

I’ll know how much love and saving someone means to him.

I just want to live everyday feeling like my soul is as rest somewhere.

Feeling like I have a safe place.

Cuz I don’t know if I do.  Or what’s going on.

Or if shes okay….or what she’s up to.

Or why this whole ‘life’ thing is so hard.

That’s where I’m at right now, honestly.  Good morning, ya’ll.

Let’s see if stuff changes throughout the day.