Dear god;

Are you there?

It’s me, Hannah. Not that I don’t know if/how/when/why I matter to you, but I’m tired of being alone.

I yearn to be held in someone’s arms and kissed and loved physically and spiritually and emotionally-in the way that you do through people…but also apart from the invisible you.

God, I’m tired of being alone. Tired of fighting. Tired of hating myself and you and the truth and sin in me and just EVERYTHING. I surrender. I can’t do it anymore.

I hope that makes you happy. (Does that even matter to you anymore?)

My heart is shattered.
Please send a comforter my way. And help for this world, in general

Help me w the whole Abbie/truth/lies/sex thing.
It all hurts, dmmit! And I’m just fucking TIRED of LIVNG wth it all!!!!

Goodnight.

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If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” ~Proverb

I’ve noticed that things go much more smoothly when I give up control—when I allow them to happen instead of making them happen. Unfortunately, I’m terrible at this.

Although I’m much better than I used to be, I’m a bit of a control freak. I often use perfectly good energy trying to plan, predict, and prevent things that I cannot possibly plan, predict, or prevent.

For example, I wonder if my baby is going to get a proper nap when we travel and, if not, just how crabby she might be. I think through her travel and napping patterns, attempting to figure out exactly what we’re up against, as if her sleep is something I can control.

**Abbie…saying/doing the wrong thing…controlling my body, making her stay….Rachel, not opening up, not being a weak baby and letting her know how much I need her cuz my life is falling apart&its scary&oh God I’m on an iceberg in a sea of people I can’t trust or reach out to. I am alone. No one understands or feels me deeply. I am dying. I am powerless and defenseless against myself. Cuz all I am is sinful; it needs to die. There is nothing good or valuable or worthwhile in me; I couldn’t even get my moms attention and being held. I knew she lied and could never utterly depend on her or anyone else; especially after the divorce. I’ve been running on ‘scared Hannah proteins’ for like 7 years! Knowing if I put it down, this world would rip my soul to shreds….like what happened during the divorce. I can’t stop fighting myself lest I go on the wrong path &Amncompletely rejected or cause God to send me to hell. I can’t calm down or release my sinful nature. I have to subdue it lest it reads up again. That’s what Christians do. My sin=anything that causes another pain. I have to fix it before it occurs; then I can’t blame myself when things go wrong. I don’t have to get shamed or in trouble for something I wanted or didn’t do. Baby…why do i mess up so much? What’s the POINT in living or loving if they’re just going to get scared&leave me alone? Why didn’t o get comforted? Why was I the favorite, but she got what I needed?? Just ice! Huh!! Not to mention…gay. Wrong. Weird, umempwthetic, too spiritual, not a good enough Christiqn, hated, despised, rejected, too emoti nap, a baby, too str not, too rigid, too bold& brassy like a boy, broken, breakable, vulnerable. I REALLY NEED TO BE LOVED, OKAY?!?!********

I also think about the weather a lot when out-of-town guests are visiting. I spend my already-limited time planning for every possible weather/mood combination when considering our itinerary.

Like most humans I know, I spend a lot of time in business that’s not mine. The baby’s business, my friends’ business, Mother Nature’s business.

As a recovering control freak, there are three things I know for sure about trying to control things:

1. We try to control things because of what we think will happen if we don’t.

In other words, control is rooted in fear

(Duh.)

2. Control is also a result of being attached to a specific outcome—an outcome we’re sure is best for us, as if we always know what’s best.

Because we DO! My feelings/spirit give me that right, right? Expect the e don’t. At all. We don’t know what we want. God does. He’s in control; not me.

When we trust that we’re okay no matter what circumstances come our way, we don’t need to micro-manage the universe. We let go. And we open ourselves to all sorts of wonderful possibilities that aren’t there when we’re attached to one “right” path.

Except ther IS a right path and that’s always Gods will!! It doesn’t MAYTER what I want think; I’ll never be right! I don’t matter!!! Don’t you get that!?! I DONT MATTER …okay? Everything about me is BAD AND WRONG AND SCARY ANDNUNCONVIEMENCING QND DISGUSTING!!!
We are NOT okay no matter what! We can’t trust ourselves implicitly! We can’t trust anyone if we can’t trust ourselves. Why in the aHell would God want me to get trust myself?!?!
3. The energy of surrender accomplishes much more than the energy of control.
I suspect it’s slightly different for everyone, but here’s what control mode looks and feels like for me: My vision gets very narrow and focused, my breath is shallow, adrenaline is pumping and my heart rate increases.

My mind shifts from topic to topic and from past to future very quickly, and I have little concentration, poor memory, and almost no present-moment awareness.

In surrender mode, I’m calm, peaceful. Breathing deeply, present in the moment. I see clearly and my vision extends out around me, allowing me to (literally) see the bigger picture.

So the great irony is that attempting to control things actually feels less in control. When I’m micro-managing and obsessing over details, I know I’m in my own way.

The Art of Surrender

Surrender literally means to stop fighting. Stop fighting with yourself. Stop fighting the universe and the natural flow of things. Stop resisting and pushing against reality.

Surrender = Complete acceptance of what is + Faith that all is well, even without my input.

It’s not about inaction. It’s about taking action from that place of surrender energy.

If letting go of control and surrendering not only feel better, but actually produce better results, how do we do that?

Sometimes it’s as easy as noticing that you’re in control mode and choosing to let go—consciously and deliberately shifting into surrender energy.

Yeah, no. I don’t know how to do that. I CANT. DONT YOU SEE THAY?! Last time I surrendered, I lost my grip on reality. Everything fell apart. I lost love and was abandon end. I was helpless to control my circumstances, and damned to hell if I didn’t. I fought a losing battle and kept up because I was on the verge of DEATH. God, I ant to die rather than to surrender. That is true Weakness and I am not going to expose my most vulnerable parts to that. Ever. I would fall apart wth no one to catch me. I can’t do it. I’d be a mess and I would actually Need people&it would HIRT!! I would treat people like God and idolize them again. Breaking my heart in the process as I was shamed into being contained. Again. Ow. Bird in a cage.

For example, when I become aware that I’m in control mode, I imagine that I’m in a small canoe paddling upstream, against the current. It’s hard. It’s a fight. That’s what control mode feels like to me.

When I choose to let go and surrender, I visualize the boat turning around, me dropping the oars, and floating downstream.

I’m being gently pulled, no effort necessary on my part. Simply breathing and saying, “Let go of the oars” is usually enough to get me there.

Sometimes it’s a little harder to make the shift from control to surrender. Here are a few questions that can help:

1. What am I afraid will happen if I let go of control?

I will die. It’s really that simple. I will fall off the grid to a Point where the mean and scary world can’t find me; I will be eaten alive by fear, guilt and shame. I’ll kill myself if the voice doesn’t kill me first. I will be defenseless against everything and a weak, spineless baby who can’t take care of herself and grow up.

When you pinpoint the fear, question its validity. Ask yourself, Is it true? If you’re afraid the night will be ruined if your boyfriend doesn’t remember to pick up eggplant (and you’ve already reminded him fourteen times), question that assumption.

Can you really know the night would be ruinedwithout the eggplant? And if it would be ruined (by your definition, anyway), what’s so bad about that?

2. Find out whose business you’re in.

Probably trying to control the world around me.

*I won’t be able to control myself; control will be ripped from me.*

Your business is the realm of things that you can directly influence. Are you there? Or are you in someone else’s business? When we’re trying to control things outside of our own business, it’s not going to go well.

3. Consider this: Would letting go feel like freedom?

It almost always would. Let that feeling of freedom guide you toward loosening your grip.

Help yeah. Can’t do it. Hurts too much. Too weak and helpless. Blood. Cutting. Pain. Defenseless.

A Friendly Universe

We live in a shitty, dog-eat-dog, you die I die, universe. No one matters. That’s called sin. Nor we matter too much also called sin. The world is our enemy!!!!!!! NOT our friend!!!!!

Einstein said, “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”

I believe in a friendly universe.

Being receptive and allowing things to happen is a skill that can be practiced and improved upon. It helps to believe in a friendly universe—one that is supporting you at every turn so that you don’t have to worry yourself over the details.

We can always choose to do things the easy way or the hard way. We can muscle through, or we can let go of the oars and let the current carry us downstream.

There is a peaceful, yet focused energy that accompanies holding the intention of what I want, but not forcing myself to do it. That energy is magic. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m allowing it to become a habit instead of making it a habit.

Dear God;

my top natural strength is restorer.  Ya know what that means?  I see problems and restore them.

i can’t stop.

I’ve been doing it for so long and am addicted to me.

I’m addicted to pride, pain and selfishness.  And closed mindedness and negativity.  And romance and expectations and wishful thinking about ‘perfect.’

(and food.) and only thinking about ME.

i think I’M the one here with the narcissism and codependency.

honestly?

i don’t want to change.

i can’t.

its hopeless. I’m hopeless.

So there.

i want to change; lack the motivation, willpower, energy to even attempt to think positively and start.

Why won’t you control me and ‘take over’ and ‘make me happy’?  I thought you were the Holy Spirit who WANTED to encourage me and talk to me and give me strength and make me happy and joyful.

did I mention how much I hate my feelings, am addicted to my defeatist mindset/shame, and think thoughts about death a lot?

yeah.

do something big in my life, if you’re really god.  If you really care.  Crush my sin and bring your light.

I won’t hold on to you anymore. In fact, I quit.

Everything is on your shoulders now.

If I trust you, that’s your doing.  If you save me, it’s your doing.

im so dead inside and don’t know how to breathe properly or hear you or feel anymore.

i don’t know if you hear my cries or care about them, but I’m desperate for my feelings to change and a sign of you.

So I don’t have to do anything and can blame you when stuff goes wrong.

Where are you?

Why won’t you control me and abuse me too?

do you care?

Falling In Love With A Spark And A Promise

Yup; perfect

Thought Catalog

Derek KeyDerek Key

It begins with a spark.

A scattered glimpse like the brief recollection of a hazy dream. It’s a world comprised of flashing headlights on the walls of your room as the world slides past in a circus-inspired blur. It’s a promise that’s destined to be broken; a promise of something possible but as distant as the nearest star and just as unattainable. It’s pure and clear and perfect and completely unrealistic. It’s a detached ‘maybe’ that is little more than a siren song luring you into deep and uncharted waters.

The spark has less to do with a person and more to do with an idea, a concept. It’s a fever dream that scorches through you and burns you up from the inside out, but all it really is — when everything is ashes and embers — is a reflection of something inside of you, something you’re searching…

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I looked up into the sky and whispered,

“It is possible to be happy again.

I will smile again; my soul will find rest, minute by minute–

the favor of the Almighty God forever rests on me.

I am smart.  I am important.  I am favored.  I am beautiful.  I am enough.  My feminity is desirable; shame is not my lot…

but love.  Unconditional, tender, unhurried, gentle —

sweet

Love.”

Reflections

Wow. This was amazing…so what I needed tonight! 🙂

The Silent Eye

X heather weekend 058‘Know thyself’… Pausanius tells us it was inscribed in the court before the temple of Apollo at Delphi. We are given to understand it is associated too with the Inner Temples in ancient Egypt. It is one of the first phrases we come across in esoteric studies and where else could we begin? It is not the easiest thing to look into the mirror of the soul and admit to oneself what one finds there. Even less to share that openly with others by dropping the social masks and simply being who we are.

I first learned the concept as a child from my grandfather, but it was one it took years to begin to truly understand and longer still to try and put into practice. As we grow through adolescence and youth our self-image constantly shifts, changing as it reflects the desire to become who we think we ought…

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