I let you in.
Furiously, stupidly, heroically.
(deeply, or so I thought.)
and it got scary, when I couldn’t breathe,
for fear of the anxiety pulsing in my chest.
But you were there.
And maybe you’ll leave (knowing me, hah.
I’m known to push people away. I think I’m probably an expert at it by now.)
and no, I don’t trust all your silly words that feel like silky caresses —
I’m not that dumb anymore.
I have learned to put myself together, stitch by stitch,
memory by memory, and action by action these past few years.
and you (nor anyone else) ever has the permission to unravel me again.
God permitting. (He can technically do that, though.)
So what I’m trying to say is: I’m alright.
I just put myself out there, truthfully, honestly, and as fully as I can be right now —
and whether or not you reject me,
whether the pain sends me reeling or questioning or spinning or lamenting or regretting or even to a slight depression again (God, it sounds so pathetic when I write it out loud.)
But I will be okay. I truly will. I will survive; and it will only sharpen, clarify things for me,
and strengthen my resolve to keep working on ME. Keep taking care of ME.
(keep moving forward)
and get out of my silly daydreams.
live life. Love the people who actually WANT me; who actually WANT to
love me back, who are in my life for a reason, who are gifts to me, and have committed themselves to me even though I didn’t ask for it, didn’t want to expect myself to commit to them too.
But that’s what you do to survive sometimes. And that’s alright, too.
but until that moment happens, I’m going to keep sitting here, waiting and trying (but failing) to set you out of my mind. To back it off a lil bit and play it more cool, while the excitement/anxiousness weaves its way through my thoughts, tainting my perspective at this point in time.
and I’ll hope a lil bit.
🙂 (it’s for sure scary; but look at how far I’ve come! And how much I’ve gotten through in the past, and will get through right now.)
It doesn’t have to be do or die (but that’s my MO of relationships), and I don’t know how to change it. I’m working on it, though. Painfully aware of it, so much so. Angry at myself for it. Noticing; and that’s going to have to be enough to get me through this period. Lol, I’ll put in the work when it really requires it (hah, that’s so bad — like I’m waiting for ‘crisis mode’ to strike.) Well….that’s also kind of my MO too….at least I’m committed and dedicated. *fist pump.*