Seems like this won’t work out.

Based on reading my previous response.

My attachment system is so triggered –

every time I open up to him I don’t feel validated.

I feel sick.  Unsettled. Unconfident.  Hoping/expecting/waiting for comfort — expecting to be pushed away or something. Heady/wishful-thinking-ish?  Scared.  Lol — clearly there’s like little to no trust there.  This is probably really bad.  But eh – it’s how I’m keeping myself safe (while also asking loaded questions and TRYING to believe them, though idk.  I trust gut honesty and elaboration more than I trust one-word, monotonic answers.  AND, people say ANYTHING to get what they want.  Myself included.  People aren’t scared to live their ENTIRE lives in denial because they lie to themselves…[myself included.])

I feel like I’m letting my walls down and it’s confusing and naked,

and almost like (lonely?) and scary and sad and ‘not enough/too much’ simultaneously, and, damn near like I have to force myself to, and like that feeling of ‘pulling teeth’ along with restraint and eagerness at the same time.  UGH.  Like I’m looking for relief and safety, (and the same type of openness), and along with those temporary responses (depending on the response), it’s that combo of wanting to be relieved, being disappointed, not feeling completely relieved/but more or less relieved, being mad at myself for expecting/wanting too much, wanting to talk about it/change him, realizing I should pull away if I’m going to get like that, not wanting to be alone/lose that connection, and then pretending it’s ‘all good’, and it coming out wrong in other ways since I’ve overanalyzed it all … and then hurting someone else.  Which compounds the guilt…and the reaction to pull away when I’m feeling uncomfortable/painful feelings.  Especially when the anxiety comes back.  And I don’t want to talk about it, because the response I’m getting isn’t exactly what I’m wanting/looking for, and I don’t know how to be assertive and find the strength to walk away if I really need to, other than creating unnecessary drama..  And not knowing what to do about that.  I do NOT like the logical side, I can appreciate the more seasoned perspective, but I definately like that emotive/expressive/passionate/spontaneous side.  Maybe it’s more balanced that way, though.  Ha.]  Especially since I will NOT control anyone else.  And clearly I really SHOULD pull away and distance myself.  Though I don’t want to.  I thought I could be safe and it would all be okay.

The waiting is the hardest part, but I HAVE to do this if I’m ever going to be a healthy adult.  Secure adults don’t fall apart when they don’t get what they want/expect, or if people go silent, or if people get mad/sad/anxious/scared/ WHATEVER/however they react/repond to them … they don’t.  They take care of themselves.  And then they dig their roots deep, become grounded, and continue forward.  They use healthy self-care.  I clearly need to make those choices and make MYSELF happy instead of depending on that happiness in another person.

(and I don’t know how to tell him this, if I even NEED to, how to make myself feel better/make it go away…it’s like I want to be validated and close and heard and understood and empathized with and valued when I am vulnerable – like ASAP.  SOMETHING other than silence.

[The silence makes me think of rejection, like I wasn’t heard, like I’m not valued, like I’m ignored, like I/it doesn’t matter, like the answer of ‘you’re too much’ and ‘I resent you’ and ‘get away from me’, and ‘I don’t love you/want you anymore’ is deafening when I’m looking for that affection.  It’s all I can hear (via my emotions) — that’s automatically where my reaction goes.  And then it’s reinforced by my fear of the uncontrollable anxiety — of the way it overtakes me and says ‘you can’t do this, you can’t do this’ –> like sitting in the bathroom at 4 years old and thinking I was going to be alone in it forever, almost like I was going to die I was so scared, that I couldn’t get out, that I couldn’t save myself and couldn’t depend on anyone else to calm me, but I didn’t even know how I got in that situation, that it was all my fault, it was all my fault, it was all my fault — I deserved it, and I just had to accept it and pretend I wasn’t feeling so incredibly scared.  God, that clearly wasn’t the reaction I needed by my parent — almost to be indulgently laughed at and then promptly ignored.  WOW.  That sounds really unforgivey, but tbh.]

To compound this — this cycle has been repeated, by me, in fashion [Lol, here’s where the despairing fatalist comes in — that stupid little box] — it’s been reinforced over and over throughout my life, in various relationships, and my behavior, my too high expectations, my lack of communication/selfishness/wants/needs have overtaken too many people and told me those things over and over again.  How ‘my expectations become demands’ and how they’re ‘relieved’ to be free of me, my desires distract them from what really matters to them in life – like they’re a nuisance.  So really, I don’t feel free of this.  Which is a completely separate thing, but it’s good to notice.  That this fear has ahold of me.

And whether it’s name is anxiety or whatever it is, I clearly need to write new and better messages in my life, with people, in my head. Like my counselor said. To reinforce them. Actively.  And not keep being desperately attracted to someone (ANYONE) who causes me to feel that way and won’t talk about it and assumes everything is FINE [god, I HATE that trite word — it can mean SO many things…I mean, c’mon – ELABORATE.  READ BETWEEN THE LINES.  BE EMPATHETIC.  I don’t want to say ‘be like me’ but please embrace whatever qualities in you that are similar to those in me, perhaps ones that are even more intuitive/better than the ones I currently possess.]   But I can’t change him.  And it’s okay.  This is just life.  It’ll all be okay.  Eventually.)

I really wish I could give THIS part of me to someone else.  And have it be received, embraced, held, released – let go. Re-validated, re-crafted, (for lack of a better word, ‘safe’ and/or ‘reborn’ … basically, ‘re-written’, ‘reinforced.’ In healing ways.  In true ways.  Reassured.  Over and over, with patience and gentleness.)  Lol, SUCH romantic notions of the world/old-fashioned.

BUT then again — there I go again, making someone my Higher Power-

by virtue of the nature of my addiction,

I deserve to be alone when I get like this. Like = no human connection.

Because NO ONE deserves this level of hell in their personal life. (hah, nor do I…I guess.)

It hurts them.  I hurt them.  Basically — it all boils down to, ‘it’s all my fault.’ And we’re back to 4-year-old, amygdalic reasoning again.  Along with ‘I’m too much.’ and ‘clingy.’  and all those other labels, like ‘desperate’.

(I know, it’s a really isolating/defeatist mindset/TERRIBLY self-victimizing and cynical…it’s probably not true.  This hiding and intense shame.  I think these are the things that I need to re-write.  The connections to vulnerability and connection and relationship and community and safety and love and even ‘God’ that I need to be aware of and actively re-wire.  key word= actively.)

Even if I feel encouraged/courageous in the moment,

I feel this heavy burden of anxiety on my chest.

Almost like I’m breathing so shallowly.

Like I’m scared to hear what he’ll say.

Waiting for his response.

Maybe I should open up more?

No.

No, I won’t do that.

I gave him freedom, I have to accept that.

To put too much on his shoulders is to scare him away.

NO ONE IS OR EVER WILL BE GOD.

I wish I wasn’t too much.

Like, I really really do.

In more or less all aspects of my life.

Which is a separate issue.

It makes me feel small, and just dumb, and ashamed.

And DUH – my expectations are WAY too high.

Giving someone space and freedom hurts.

But is it REALLY freedom when all I’m consumed by is my expectations and using them as a human springboard of my reactions/emotions/thoughts?  Probablyyyyyyy not.  It’s not very caring.  It’s selfish.

Lol.  But it’s good that I’m learning.

That tension between my ‘walls’/expectations/rigid boundaries of ‘me’ and that yearning for a close connection (in every way possible, i.e. enmeshment [or maybe just healthy, safe, interdependence (?)]) with another person.  And then trying to navigate that, because I don’t fricking know how to do it like a mature adult, though I have all this ‘book knowledge’ of it.  (And no, it doesn’t come by creating myself into what said person wants in order to manipulate them into ‘loving’ me….ugh.  God, it’s so fucking pathetic.  In EVERY way.)

I can’t tell if it’s fear from being scared of previous experiences,

or if there’s even any basis anymore.

Only that it exists,

&I don’t like feeling this way –

the obsessing, the uncertainty, the lack of motivation,

the intent of emotional/mental energy it takes to be CLEAR and overTHINK/PLAN/fantasize (*shudder*) about

EVERYTHING so that I come across understandably.

I’m even MORE scared to open up now.

Maybe that’s telling me something.

Maybe it’s all bullshit.

I think a part of what it’s telling me is that now I

have more to lose.

So I push away.

And I push further up, elevate them even more,

to create an even wider power-oriented distance between us,

as I’m longing for closeness.

(lol, it’s clear to me that I will need a partner who’s more or less willing to engage in couple’s therapy with me, and also pray with me.  With that God-connection/foundation.  Alot.)

Man.  I am such a train wreck right now.

“Unbreak the broken/unsay these spoken words/find hope in the hopeless/pull me out of the train wreck/unburn the ashes/unchain the reactions” YES.  Especially the “unchain the reactions” part.

Look at this guy, and his beautiful face, and his soulful singing.  UGH. 🙂  So relevant

 

This song is so fucking codependent/technically relationally ‘unhealthy’.  But also really beautiful, I wish someone ‘got me’ like that.

Awwwwwww…..so cute :).  Someday.

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I got through.

Survived.

And it was fun.

And good.

And….okay.

(and awkward.  And silly.  And disconnected.  And nerve-wracking.)

I wished…there was more of that empathetic, emotional, listening, attentive, connection.

Outside of the physical. (Which is damn nice.  Let me tell you.)

Because I KNOW that in order to connect with someone,

there has to be more than a skin-deep relatability.

It just isn’t possible for it to work out any other way.

(I say this from experience, I’ve tried it.)

And the tricky thing is, a connection like that — it can’t be forced.

It just has to grow.

 

…. which is scary.

Really. Dang. Scary.

 

In all regards.

 

 

…. I still need the clarity.

all I know is this gut-wrenching anxiety and my head telling me ‘it’ll never work.’

(Which I don’t even know if that’s true anymore.

But maybe.  Maybe I literally CAN’T be myself around him.

But have I ever tried?  Eh……kind of?  No. I don’t know. *shrug.*  Too awkward.  And my….people pleasing.)

 

Exactly HOW am I supposed to ‘trust him’ when I’m such a damn people-pleaser who struggles enough with digging her roots deep down into the ground, standing up to confrontation, saying her piece, speaking her voice powerfully and fearlessly, and not seeing disagreement or someone else’s wants/needs as akin to ‘rejection’ but instead celebrate’s people’s ‘no’s’ and gives them true freedom (without the expectations attached)?  That’s so dang hard.  I don’t know how to do that.  I suck at it.  I’m just using my self-control and telling myself to ‘give him space, let him have a life.’  (As if to imply, I don’t.)

 

Which I DO, but at this point in time, I can feel my ‘self abandoning tendencies’ sliding over me.  And my expectations/fantasies creeping in, which are not equal to reality, which creates even GREATER tension/anxiety inside of me.

 

UGH.  This is so GROSS.

 

When will I ever be FREE of this, God?

Can you please (PLEASE) clean this dirtiness from inside of me?

And give me either A) the peace to engage with bunches of different people and not see them as threats/find you, and/or B) good, safe, people in my life who are going to support me and influence me positively in all aspects of my life?

Preferably a combination of both?  Especially as it relates to my weird love life at the moment?

 

(yeah, I KNOW you’re not a magical vending machine or genie.  But you also probably don’t know how confused/lost/foggy/much I am craving this, God.  And I need you to help me figure out the next steps & NOT ruin my life or his life in the process.  Which is alot of fucking responsibility, but I don’t trust my gut. (well, I kind of do, and it’s actually physically upset right now.)  Or my head, or heart, or the ‘triggers’.

(Whatever THOSE even are anymore.)

God, I feel like crying.  I just wanted comfort and validation.  Not him to clue out and say ‘let’s table this conversation’ with the intent of never starting on it again.  That makes me feel really sad and not heard….granted, to be an adult, I’m supposed to say these stories without emotional attachment (lol, yeah – no)/and with the mindset that I’m not doing it to ‘present’ myself in any certain way or make myself seem smaller/more broken/desperate than I am.  But I would have REALLY appreciated that empathetic response there – even a tender hug if the words don’t suffice.  Just to show that he was/is capable of connecting with me emotionally and crawling around in my shoes for a few seconds, or minutes.  I should have fricking spoken up and SAID something — dang it!!! D:

But he looked at me, so I guess that’s something.

 

 

Well here we go.

It will be what it is.

 

no more or less.

 

and that is life, and I am okay with it.

🙂

*deep breath, & let it out*

11 Things That Happen When You Accept That You Are Imperfect, And Beautiful Nonetheless — Thought Catalog

Guilherme Stecanella1. You realize that a flaw is not a mark against your character, but a uniqueness that defines who you are and sets you apart. Instead of searching for ways you don’t match up to the world around you, instead of scouring over magazines and endlessly comparing, you realize that your flaws do not…

via 11 Things That Happen When You Accept That You Are Imperfect, And Beautiful Nonetheless — Thought Catalog

Here I am.

And here you are.

And maybe these differences will drown us.

And maybe they won’t.

 

Though I guess I’ll never know until I choose to stretch out my neck a little bit,

my heart, my mind — and try.

Take a deep breath, walk forward as confidently as I can,

hold that beautiful head high, and choose to be in that moment.

 

With whatever feelings I’m feeling.

With whatever words I’m thinking deep down.

In the present — fully with myself (honestly)

and engaged with the other person.

 

Because in the end, it will all work out as it’s meant to.

And it’s okay to find the acceptance in that,

rather than attempting to micromanage and control that fact.

 

Change is such a constant, the most integral part of life.

And that’s alright.

It really is.

 

It’s not the end to sink down into the water —

find what merges and what repels.

To stand up for what I want.

And hear someone else’s wants and needs too.

That’s a huge part of life (of being human).

 

It’s how I’ll grow.

In the uncomfortableness….

(….or bending or whatever it is.)

 

And if I am overtaken, I will remember this moment —

that it was all a wave to begin with, and it WILL (with certainty) pass.

 

As I’m washed up upon the beach with

granules of sand as numerous as my thoughts.

 

Laying vulnerable, still, in the ocean’s spray –

found among the driftwood.

And I am left smoother from

the rough-and-tumble

of its sway.

Gazing upon the beautiful pebbles —

as the soft sand molds itself around,

how gentle pieces form an incoherently

beautiful whole.

 

 

I trust that I will be okay.

Sifted pieces and all.

And that they will be too.

Whatever the answer is.

I will find peace.

 

 

I know I’ve been listening to country like, the whole damn summer.

 

and now I’m feeling really (really) anxious b/c he hasn’t texted me…why?  What is he doing?  What is he up to?  What is he thinking/feeling?  I probably wore him out.

 

Scared him off.

(was too honest and too emotional and overall, just ‘too much’.  Pushed too much, too far, too fast — physically and emotionally and mentally (and spiritually.)  Either way, he felt too vulnerable and probably trapped and uncomfortable.  Couldn’t get a ‘read’ on him, even as we were sitting there and talking. I have turned this issue upside down, inside out, backwards, and forwards to figure out what’s up.  I wonder what he’s been doing today….  Maybe he’s gathering his thoughts too.  Maybe he WAS hurt.  Maybe he feels the lack of chemistry/compatability, too.  Maybe he met someone else (likely haha.)  Maybe overall, it’s too ‘forcy.’  Too fantasizey and not reality.  (Haha, am I ever going to live into and enjoy this present reality?  Or is it just a struggle for me that I have to bear and cope with as everyone does.  Too much of an idea.)  And this is what’s going to happen: it’s going to fade away and die a bit.  Or alot.  Lol, I love how I’m trying to get into his mind and heart and head and shoes, and I don’t even know if he really CARES that much about my internal well-being to do the same. Or if he has the capacity to do so.  Stereotypes aren’t everything, but man — this hurts so much right now.  (And I’m the one sitting in it, but yeah.  Not alot of homework is going to get done this week.  I’d rather just be in a relationship and like, feel like my future is solid.  What have I been doing wrong?)

He’s second-guessing and re-thinking everything.

(lol, maybe he’s busy.  Haha, stupid country songs contributing to the feeling of lonelieness/confusion/anxiety.  The walk will be good with my roommate later.  And hopefully I can stop comparing everyone to me, and vice versa.)

Either way, this is NOT easy.

It’s not flowing.

 

I feel like I’ve massively messed up and done something wrong.

 

Guess we’re both playing the silent treatment trick here.

 

(I just want to know he’s interested/thinking of me.)

 

I’m thinking of him.  And re-thinking and over-analyzing and remembering and all that.  And wishing it was something maybe it….isn’t.

 

God.  I guess I just have to accept that it’s not what I want it to be.  Nor is he.  I don’t even know if ‘we’ are a good fit, or both just desperate.  I like BEING with him, but other than that, it’s hard.  I don’t want to listen all the time.  I want to feel cared about.

 

Wow, cue the waterworks.  NOW I’m literally crying — haha, SO many emotions/feelings.

 

(I want to play this on guitar.)  In a range I can sing.

 

(Don’t expect, don’t wish, don’t expect……)

 

“Moving toward healthy vulnerability in relationships requires getting in touch with what’s going on within you. So here are some practical steps to get started. Take time and revisit these activities, and feel free to adjust them to your unique needs:

  1. Write down five areas where it’s hard to practice openness.
  2. Write down three people in your life with whom vulnerability is easiest. These can be actual people, or if that is too hard move on to step three.
  3. Write down qualities (at least 5) in an intimate relationship that would make being vulnerable feel like a good choice; traits that attract your openness and allow trust to form.
  4. Write down actions, behaviors or gut feelings about someone that would suggest having more boundaries around your emotional availability would be the best choice. You are getting in touch with what feels right and what doesn’t.
  5. Come up with 3 things you can do each week with a loved one, partner or new relationship to try out vulnerability. Choose with your wisdom and courage. Start small. Maybe your new boyfriend takes an interest in something about you that you also hold dear. Share your passion about this part of you. Let your deeper feelings glow from a place of confidence and pride.
  6. Keep a journal on your vulnerability work and your work on boundaries.  Note challenges and fears. Recall memories from childhood or past relationships. Note feelings of courage as well as shame.
  7. Make goals. Where do you need to preserve your emotional privacy and where can you be more open? Are there people you need to limit? Is there a relationship where you want to risk being more vulnerable?
  8. Get help. A therapist is often useful for relational growth. Read about it. A great writer on this topic is Brené Brown.

Intimacy, connection, vulnerability and relational growth is a lifelong journey and we never arrive. We will feel like we are getting the hang of connection sometimes and at others we will feel insecure and detached. Pay attention. Seek support. And keep learning.”

-http://www.howtowinamansheart.com/blog/how-to-cultivate-vulnerability/-