Seems like this won’t work out.
Based on reading my previous response.
My attachment system is so triggered –
every time I open up to him I don’t feel validated.
I feel sick. Unsettled. Unconfident. Hoping/expecting/waiting for comfort — expecting to be pushed away or something. Heady/wishful-thinking-ish? Scared. Lol — clearly there’s like little to no trust there. This is probably really bad. But eh – it’s how I’m keeping myself safe (while also asking loaded questions and TRYING to believe them, though idk. I trust gut honesty and elaboration more than I trust one-word, monotonic answers. AND, people say ANYTHING to get what they want. Myself included. People aren’t scared to live their ENTIRE lives in denial because they lie to themselves…[myself included.])
I feel like I’m letting my walls down and it’s confusing and naked,
and almost like (lonely?) and scary and sad and ‘not enough/too much’ simultaneously, and, damn near like I have to force myself to, and like that feeling of ‘pulling teeth’ along with restraint and eagerness at the same time. UGH. Like I’m looking for relief and safety, (and the same type of openness), and along with those temporary responses (depending on the response), it’s that combo of wanting to be relieved, being disappointed, not feeling completely relieved/but more or less relieved, being mad at myself for expecting/wanting too much, wanting to talk about it/change him, realizing I should pull away if I’m going to get like that, not wanting to be alone/lose that connection, and then pretending it’s ‘all good’, and it coming out wrong in other ways since I’ve overanalyzed it all … and then hurting someone else. Which compounds the guilt…and the reaction to pull away when I’m feeling uncomfortable/painful feelings. Especially when the anxiety comes back. And I don’t want to talk about it, because the response I’m getting isn’t exactly what I’m wanting/looking for, and I don’t know how to be assertive and find the strength to walk away if I really need to, other than creating unnecessary drama.. And not knowing what to do about that. I do NOT like the logical side, I can appreciate the more seasoned perspective, but I definately like that emotive/expressive/passionate/spontaneous side. Maybe it’s more balanced that way, though. Ha.] Especially since I will NOT control anyone else. And clearly I really SHOULD pull away and distance myself. Though I don’t want to. I thought I could be safe and it would all be okay.
The waiting is the hardest part, but I HAVE to do this if I’m ever going to be a healthy adult. Secure adults don’t fall apart when they don’t get what they want/expect, or if people go silent, or if people get mad/sad/anxious/scared/ WHATEVER/however they react/repond to them … they don’t. They take care of themselves. And then they dig their roots deep, become grounded, and continue forward. They use healthy self-care. I clearly need to make those choices and make MYSELF happy instead of depending on that happiness in another person.
(and I don’t know how to tell him this, if I even NEED to, how to make myself feel better/make it go away…it’s like I want to be validated and close and heard and understood and empathized with and valued when I am vulnerable – like ASAP. SOMETHING other than silence.
[The silence makes me think of rejection, like I wasn’t heard, like I’m not valued, like I’m ignored, like I/it doesn’t matter, like the answer of ‘you’re too much’ and ‘I resent you’ and ‘get away from me’, and ‘I don’t love you/want you anymore’ is deafening when I’m looking for that affection. It’s all I can hear (via my emotions) — that’s automatically where my reaction goes. And then it’s reinforced by my fear of the uncontrollable anxiety — of the way it overtakes me and says ‘you can’t do this, you can’t do this’ –> like sitting in the bathroom at 4 years old and thinking I was going to be alone in it forever, almost like I was going to die I was so scared, that I couldn’t get out, that I couldn’t save myself and couldn’t depend on anyone else to calm me, but I didn’t even know how I got in that situation, that it was all my fault, it was all my fault, it was all my fault — I deserved it, and I just had to accept it and pretend I wasn’t feeling so incredibly scared. God, that clearly wasn’t the reaction I needed by my parent — almost to be indulgently laughed at and then promptly ignored. WOW. That sounds really unforgivey, but tbh.]
To compound this — this cycle has been repeated, by me, in fashion [Lol, here’s where the despairing fatalist comes in — that stupid little box] — it’s been reinforced over and over throughout my life, in various relationships, and my behavior, my too high expectations, my lack of communication/selfishness/wants/needs have overtaken too many people and told me those things over and over again. How ‘my expectations become demands’ and how they’re ‘relieved’ to be free of me, my desires distract them from what really matters to them in life – like they’re a nuisance. So really, I don’t feel free of this. Which is a completely separate thing, but it’s good to notice. That this fear has ahold of me.
And whether it’s name is anxiety or whatever it is, I clearly need to write new and better messages in my life, with people, in my head. Like my counselor said. To reinforce them. Actively. And not keep being desperately attracted to someone (ANYONE) who causes me to feel that way and won’t talk about it and assumes everything is FINE [god, I HATE that trite word — it can mean SO many things…I mean, c’mon – ELABORATE. READ BETWEEN THE LINES. BE EMPATHETIC. I don’t want to say ‘be like me’ but please embrace whatever qualities in you that are similar to those in me, perhaps ones that are even more intuitive/better than the ones I currently possess.] But I can’t change him. And it’s okay. This is just life. It’ll all be okay. Eventually.)
I really wish I could give THIS part of me to someone else. And have it be received, embraced, held, released – let go. Re-validated, re-crafted, (for lack of a better word, ‘safe’ and/or ‘reborn’ … basically, ‘re-written’, ‘reinforced.’ In healing ways. In true ways. Reassured. Over and over, with patience and gentleness.) Lol, SUCH romantic notions of the world/old-fashioned.
BUT then again — there I go again, making someone my Higher Power-
by virtue of the nature of my addiction,
I deserve to be alone when I get like this. Like = no human connection.
Because NO ONE deserves this level of hell in their personal life. (hah, nor do I…I guess.)
It hurts them. I hurt them. Basically — it all boils down to, ‘it’s all my fault.’ And we’re back to 4-year-old, amygdalic reasoning again. Along with ‘I’m too much.’ and ‘clingy.’ and all those other labels, like ‘desperate’.
(I know, it’s a really isolating/defeatist mindset/TERRIBLY self-victimizing and cynical…it’s probably not true. This hiding and intense shame. I think these are the things that I need to re-write. The connections to vulnerability and connection and relationship and community and safety and love and even ‘God’ that I need to be aware of and actively re-wire. key word= actively.)
Even if I feel encouraged/courageous in the moment,
I feel this heavy burden of anxiety on my chest.
Almost like I’m breathing so shallowly.
Like I’m scared to hear what he’ll say.
Waiting for his response.
Maybe I should open up more?
No.
No, I won’t do that.
I gave him freedom, I have to accept that.
To put too much on his shoulders is to scare him away.
NO ONE IS OR EVER WILL BE GOD.
I wish I wasn’t too much.
Like, I really really do.
In more or less all aspects of my life.
Which is a separate issue.
It makes me feel small, and just dumb, and ashamed.
And DUH – my expectations are WAY too high.
Giving someone space and freedom hurts.
But is it REALLY freedom when all I’m consumed by is my expectations and using them as a human springboard of my reactions/emotions/thoughts? Probablyyyyyyy not. It’s not very caring. It’s selfish.
Lol. But it’s good that I’m learning.
That tension between my ‘walls’/expectations/rigid boundaries of ‘me’ and that yearning for a close connection (in every way possible, i.e. enmeshment [or maybe just healthy, safe, interdependence (?)]) with another person. And then trying to navigate that, because I don’t fricking know how to do it like a mature adult, though I have all this ‘book knowledge’ of it. (And no, it doesn’t come by creating myself into what said person wants in order to manipulate them into ‘loving’ me….ugh. God, it’s so fucking pathetic. In EVERY way.)
I can’t tell if it’s fear from being scared of previous experiences,
or if there’s even any basis anymore.
Only that it exists,
&I don’t like feeling this way –
the obsessing, the uncertainty, the lack of motivation,
the intent of emotional/mental energy it takes to be CLEAR and overTHINK/PLAN/fantasize (*shudder*) about
EVERYTHING so that I come across understandably.
I’m even MORE scared to open up now.
Maybe that’s telling me something.
Maybe it’s all bullshit.
I think a part of what it’s telling me is that now I
have more to lose.
So I push away.
And I push further up, elevate them even more,
to create an even wider power-oriented distance between us,
as I’m longing for closeness.
(lol, it’s clear to me that I will need a partner who’s more or less willing to engage in couple’s therapy with me, and also pray with me. With that God-connection/foundation. Alot.)
Man. I am such a train wreck right now.
“Unbreak the broken/unsay these spoken words/find hope in the hopeless/pull me out of the train wreck/unburn the ashes/unchain the reactions” YES. Especially the “unchain the reactions” part.
Look at this guy, and his beautiful face, and his soulful singing. UGH. 🙂 So relevant
This song is so fucking codependent/technically relationally ‘unhealthy’. But also really beautiful, I wish someone ‘got me’ like that.
Awwwwwww…..so cute :). Someday.
