I let you in.

 

Furiously, stupidly, heroically.

(deeply, or so I thought.)

 

and it got scary, when I couldn’t breathe,

for fear of the anxiety pulsing in my chest.

 

But you were there.

 

And maybe you’ll leave (knowing me, hah.

I’m known to push people away.  I think I’m probably an expert at it by now.)

 

and no, I don’t trust all your silly words that feel like silky caresses —

I’m not that dumb anymore.

 

I have learned to put myself together, stitch by stitch,

memory by memory, and action by action these past few years.

 

and you (nor anyone else) ever has the permission to unravel me again.

 

God permitting.  (He can technically do that, though.)

 

 

So what  I’m trying to say is: I’m alright.

 

I’m strong.

 

I just put myself out there, truthfully, honestly, and as fully as I can be right now —

 

and whether or not you reject me,

whether the pain sends me reeling or questioning or spinning or lamenting or regretting or even to a slight depression again (God, it sounds so pathetic when I write it out loud.)

 

But I will be okay.  I truly will.  I will survive; and it will only sharpen, clarify things for me,

and strengthen my resolve to keep working on ME.  Keep taking care of ME.

(keep moving forward)

and get out of my silly daydreams.

 

live life.  Love the people who actually WANT me; who actually WANT to

love me back, who are in my life for a reason, who are gifts to me, and have committed themselves to me even though I didn’t ask for it, didn’t want to expect myself to commit to them too.

 

But that’s what you do to survive sometimes.  And that’s alright, too.

 

but until that moment happens, I’m going to keep sitting here, waiting and trying (but failing) to set you out of my mind.  To back it off a lil bit and play it more cool, while the excitement/anxiousness weaves its way through my thoughts, tainting my perspective at this point in time.

 

and I’ll hope a lil bit.

🙂  (it’s for sure scary; but look at how far I’ve come!  And how much I’ve gotten through in the past, and will get through right now.)

 

It doesn’t have to be do or die (but that’s my MO of relationships), and I don’t know how to change it.  I’m working on it, though.  Painfully aware of it, so much so.  Angry at myself for it.  Noticing; and that’s going to have to be enough to get me through this period.  Lol, I’ll put in the work when it really requires it (hah, that’s so bad — like I’m waiting for ‘crisis mode’ to strike.)  Well….that’s also kind of my MO too….at least I’m committed and dedicated.  *fist pump.*

 

You Are Somebody’s Someone, You Are Not Alone — Thought Catalog

@sapsanyashaThis world can be so painful. There is heartbreak and mistrust, broken promises and defeat. There are moments when we fall victim to vices, spinning wildly out of control. There are days when we struggle to rise, when we lose our footing completely, when we slip and fear we don’t have the strength to continue.…

via You Are Somebody’s Someone, You Are Not Alone — Thought Catalog

I’m scared of being controlling & manipulative; (b/c it’s who I’ve been in the past.)

but I can’t force someone to want to spend time or hang out with me or be around me or even LIKE me,

if they don’t want to.

 

aint that the bitter truth.

I don’t want to be selfish….

I don’t want to bring it up….

I don’t want to be controlling & manipulative;

& I know there are other things on his mind (& rightfully so),

but I was looking forward to a guy who was excited, too.

who kept his commitments.

who like, wanted to hang out with me as much as I did with him.

& I know I’m intense & preocupied,

(& my expectations are too much),

and maybe I shouldn’t be so afraid to communicate,

but I am. B/c he won’t lead. And I can’t anymore –

I don’t want to pursue.

I was just looking forward to hanging out with him tonight;

(but with other things on his mind, & rightfully so, I can respect that),

I hope he actually remembers & cares enough to bring it up soon.  Maybe we can hang out tomorrow.

 

but maybe not.

 

b/c I don’t want to be selfish.

and it’s not supposed to be about me.

 

but I matter too, right?

 

(fuck, I’ve probably already ruined it. Why don’t I just give up while I’m ahead.)