(It comes and goes in waves; it always does.)
Is this bad?
That I spent literally ALL day obsessing (over him),
& didn’t even get the energy done to turn my brain off and FOCUS on all the (myriad)
piling up of things I was supposed to have started today? (I haven’t even eaten supper yet and it’s almost time to sleep. Dang, maybe I really AM this pathetic.)
I mean where the hell has this summer gone?
And what have I been up to? (lol, not exceeding my expectations for myself and not crushing (or even defining) my goals; that’s what. If I’m honest with myself. Do I even WANT these things? Or am I just so scared of failing that I convince myself I can’t do it and don’t even start….and that truly, I’m too damn busy living everyone else’s life for me.)
And looking into the cold hard mirror of I am the common denominator in all of my problems (even the fantasy, past/’I could never do them because of __(excuse)__’, fucking hurts. I’m not going to mince words on this one.) It feels worthless & gross & aggravating & annoying & ANGRY.
(^^ but maybe it has to do with the technology? Instant gratification & anxiety – related waiting on a reply (& expecting one promptly), and all that? + it’s been LONG & very thought out messages coming both ways, so that is a factor of emotional energy/brainpower too to read, comprehend, think of a response(s), type it out, reread it at least 1x, then send it.)
(God I am REALLY mad at/hate myself at this specific moment in time.)
I feel like I’ve consistently failed.
(and still am.)
And that, somewhere in the wisdom from my cells (–from my gut–)
my ‘comeuppance’ will come soon (but maybe it’s just guilt. [the heavy kind, from anxiety-driven brain])
But it also kind of feels like God is saying
‘here I am; come to me; it’ll be alright.’
or ‘give up and truly let go’ (of all my fantasies of control, perfection, love, relationships, the future, what I want/desire/feel like I need, the unforgiveness & hurt, etc, etc etc.)
(which is scary.)
(I feel all of these things right now, all at once.
^^LOL I WILL NEVER BE READY/GOOD ENOUGH FOR LOVE B/C THE LONLIENESS STILL REMAINS & THEN THERE’S GOD, YEAH, BUT THEN I GET SCARED I’M GOING TO USE SOMEONE LIKE I HAVE IN THE PAST SO THEN I JUST AVOID PEOPLE/CONVINCE MYSELF I DON’T NEED THEM/DON’T NEED TO FEEL LONELY/SAD B/C THEY’LL LEAVE ANYWAY, IT’S HOW LIFE IS, & I DON’T DESERVE IT & I GO BACK TO WHAT I KNOW (HABITS), AND ISOLATE MYSELF, ALONE.
So confusing and many other things (with thoughts attached to em) and I can’t shake it at the moment, but I know it’ll pass. That girl’s facial expression is how I feel I look all the time (except only I don’t bite my nails) haha.)
But there’s some shooting stars tonight, so maybe I’ll head outside for a few minutes and try to catch a glimpse of them. Guess there’s always tomorrow (screw that, I’m getting some shit done tonight. I can’t stand to feel like crap when I could have done something (even 1 thing on my never-ending-to-do-list about it). These have been my choices (& compulsions, and habits), but I can choose better. I am fucking NOT perfect (hahahaha, soooo far from that), but I am someone who actually needs to fucking LEARN from my mistakes (and not do them again and take responsibility for herself/her life!!!!)
Also, ‘what if’ by darius rucker/lauren alaina (maybe?). It’s a pop country song.