I know this is another

way, a slippery, slidey

one to avoid,

my problems.

I won’t lie to myself about that.

Alright?! Come on!

Kick yourself in the ass and get GOING here!!

 

STOP this!

 

I like being sad,

being introspective,

feeling all the feelings so much that I get – stuck,

frozen, paralyzed,

sluggish,

wrapped up inside of them.

Perhaps that is the fish’s way.

 

They actually know how to MOVE,

and do it WELL,

and are FLUID,

and I like to THINK I am…

but AM I,

REALLY?

 

Well maybe not.

 

If feelings are an ocean

and I have the tools and

gills

and fins and scales

to glide through them gracefully,

adaptable-y, even — enjoyable-y,

presently,

then why do I get so damn

‘unmotivated’ in the present moment,

and tend to see them

more as walls, as obstacles to avoid,

as waves of doubt,

then what they really are?

Areas of water that I,

by nature,

HAVE the skills and resources to swim through?

 

Hm, why am I like this?

 

Well, it could be what it is.

 

Perhaps it’s just quite simply:

I’m overwhelmed, stressed, and

I don’t USE these tools enough for them to be implemented and

practiced in my repertoire.

 

It’s easier for me to swim away and move away

and pretend they don’t exist, that the emotions

or thoughts that follow suit,

or actions that are attached to those —

are these big walls,

that I’ve only really created in myself,

in my own head,

by my own beliefs that I let suck me in

to their alluring voices —

like little tiny sirens.

 

Also — connected to this,

besides the reality of feeling shamed

scared unsure guilty scared unconfident trepidatious

and whatever — because I wasn’t really taught

to use my natural tools, but instead, repress them

and pretend they didn’t exist [or didn’t even KNOW they existed/I was allowed to utilize them], or not listen to my conscience or

intuition when I needed to (basically, not internal, intuitive and healthy self-care, but

this anxious and obsessive and fearful-oriented and overwhelmed big external-care-validation-comfort-seeking when I didn’t know what was going on and didn’t have the skills to verbalize that……)

basically I didn’t know how to self-soothe, wasn’t really taught to self-regulate, and stand up for myself

and be ME and feel authentic and loved and valued in that

unless I was some sort of draining people pleasing (which I thought WAS

me…but the more I sense through and work through these things, the more I realize how insidious it is in my life,

and just how it was NOT me, and I feel sad at my loss and current state of affairs as a result) —-

but ^ALL of this real stuff aside (probably a bigger contributor than I want to admit),

is that A) I present as very unsure and un-self-confident and B) I have like LITTLE to NO self-discipline.

 

I’m not sure how much/if/why/when these things connect and interweave together (and if it’s honestly even a connection I even need to be exploring anymore)

or if I can just let go and move free

and keep working on myself, on the things I can control —

how adaptable I CAN be, and what exactly these tools are (

that sometimes I feel unsure and bad about using because of the old ‘I’m overwhelmed and don’t trust myself and don’t know what to do )

 

I guess I need help on that front.

 

I guess I need to let people in.  And somehow, someway,

keep sifting through the water on my own —

to prove to myself that I CAN.  and be curious

about these tools and thankful and happy and STRONG and brave

and rooted and PROUD of myself

for both how far I’ve come,

and where I’m going.

 

Such is the emotional journey of the fish’s way.

🙂

 

 

Image result for the rainbow fish Image result for pisces  Image result for pisces  Related image  Related image Related imageImage result for pisces Image result for pisces Image result for piscesImage result for piscesImage result for pisces

Related image Related image Image result for water sunset mountains Image result for water sunset mountains Image result for water sunset mountains

 

Keep going, little fish.

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how do I ‘be’

whole on my own –

when it feels like my life

(and my choices)

are falling apart,

nearly constantly.

 

What does that feel like?

How will I know?

When will I be good enough?

Or ‘there’?

How can I work TODAY to be/do what I want?

b/c if I’m honest…..I don’t want a relationship.

Since it always causes me to hurt and lose people,

and to feel that pain and fear —

I don’t want that kind of crap in my life.

Not now.

but no one really knows that.

Because it’s the fear I keep inside.

But then when I unload it on them,

it’s like ‘

AHHHH,

I didn’t know you felt that way’

And then they run.

and leave.

And it fucking sucks.

Because I also push them away.

And that kind of relating to people,

I’m not really sure how to stop it other than

noticing it,

getting mad at myself for it,

and like, avoiding those kinds of scenarios and relationships.

Maybe I’m just not ready.

Or the people I date are assholes, or immature.

(or they’re not, but we just aren’t compatible. And different.)

It just doesn’t ‘feel right’

that I haven’t met someone IRL –

and naturally fallen in love and all of those things!!!

And then I think ‘what’s wrong with me?’

And then I search.

I want to share my more softer and vulnerable side with someone,

but don’t know how.

And with the waves and walls and fears,

I have no clue when that will happen.

Feels like I’m funnelling down a tornado and I’m just sitting there and that’s just…

it.  Watching the destruction

(of my choices)

around me.

Feeling powerless and not in control enough and too lost,

to stop it.

I feel gross and dirty and scared

and overwhelmed

and anxious

and like it would be better to escape away

then ‘face reality.’  Ohhh, big and omnious words.

 

But so true.

Okay, I need to do shit.

Yes, I’ve failed. Okay?

I’ve failed on ALL LEVELS.

but now I have to reset and stop letting my pain and

shame at how I’ve failed –

stop me from doing what I’ve been procrastinating and choosing to not think about.

I’ll feel better in the end, anyways.

At least, that’s what I tell myself.

 

Don’t Lose Yourself In Love — Thought Catalog

“Love taught me to be selfless. But I needed to be selfish. Love taught me how to be kind to someone else. But what I really needed was to be kind to myself. And love didn’t teach me how to do that. This love just taught me that I was nothing without someone else.

Be careful not to lose your sense of authenticity when you’re with someone else. Be careful not to lose track of your own personal goals and dreams. Be careful not to lose yourself, in another human being.

You need to be whole without someone else holding you up. You need to be whole without needing someone else. You need to be whole on your own, and in your relationships. You need to be able to hold onto your own heart, and make sure it never ever gets lost in the dust. ”

^& droppping the false illusions ….. and ‘what I want’ or ‘what it should be’ and just letting it be (letting my life be) what it IS…..

self-care

that’s what’s going to get me there.  Not focusing this internal energy on trying to compel someone to love me in the external world; because #1, It’s draining/worrying/anxiety-inducing AF, and #2, it’s not even possible, &#3, it just looks/feels sad and desperate, neither of which are things I need to emanate in my life at this moment.

 

 

 

 

Andrew DongDon’t lose yourself in love. Don’t lose yourself in another person. In another human being. Don’t ever forget who you are, and what your values are, for somebody else. Love is a powerful thing. Maybe even too powerful at times. It’s kind of like alcohol. You never know how much it effects you until…

via Don’t Lose Yourself In Love — Thought Catalog

When Love is a Question, not a Statement — Little Pebble’s Adventures

Don’t settle. There’s a difference between love and comfort. I’ll be the first to say, I know how easy it can be to stay with someone who is comfortable, even when you know in your heart that it’s wrong. They’re not the one. If you have this nagging feeling that something is off; that your […]

via When Love is a Question, not a Statement — Little Pebble’s Adventures

Why am I doing this?

and deciding to stand up,

get dressed,

stand out,

and not (as much as I can)

keep him in my mind tonight?

 

…because I’m not desperate.

 

(I’m not that broken little girl anymore.

I still struggle with my confidence,

that’s true,

but his response or reaction isn’t in my control anymore.

The worst he could say would be silence….or ‘no.’  And it would

HURT, yeah.  But I’ll be okay.

I believe in myself, and knew I needed to address this — as the mature adult I am.

I can take care of myself, and I will.)

 

I have standards.

And I’m going to go out there

and have a damn good time. 🙂

Needed

Emily Perrott InstagramYou just want to be loved, right? You want to find the guy who was made for you. The guy who will love you, hold you and stand by you unconditionally. Well, here’s a gentle reminder. You have to let him. Like so many of others, you may have described yourself as “guarded.”…

via Let Him Love You — Thought Catalog