This Is Why My Goal Moving Forward Is To Scar Faster Than Before — Thought Catalog

Scar faster: extract it, let it bleed, let it heal, let it be.  I like that!

Ihor Malytskyi“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” Kahlil Gibran said that, and yet for so long I played hide-and-go-seek with pain. By avoiding tough talks, keeping my heart closed off, and trying to please others, I thought I could avoid the raw ache that life could bring.…

via This Is Why My Goal Moving Forward Is To Scar Faster Than Before — Thought Catalog

8 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re Unhappy — Thought Catalog

4-7 (maybe 8?).  This has been like my whole summer more or less. 😛

 

Toa Heftiba1. You look for other unhappy people to be around. You know what they say, misery loves company. So being around a human version of a golden retriever when you’re feeling like shit is the last thing you want. Tbh, positive people make you want to vom. But honestly? It’s because it seems like…

via 8 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re Unhappy — Thought Catalog

Waves (Life)

(It comes and goes in waves; it always does.)

 

Is this bad?

That I spent literally ALL day obsessing (over him),

& didn’t even get the energy done to turn my brain off and FOCUS on all the (myriad)

piling up of things I was supposed to have started today? (I haven’t even eaten supper yet and it’s almost time to sleep.  Dang, maybe I really AM this pathetic.)

I mean where the hell has this summer gone?

And what have I been up to? (lol, not exceeding my expectations for myself and not crushing (or even defining) my goals; that’s what.  If I’m honest with myself.  Do I even WANT these things? Or am I just so scared of failing that I convince myself I can’t do it and don’t even start….and that truly, I’m too damn busy living everyone else’s life for me.)

And looking into the cold hard mirror of I am the common denominator in all of my problems (even the fantasy, past/’I could never do them because of  __(excuse)__’, fucking hurts.  I’m not going to mince words on this one.)  It feels worthless & gross & aggravating & annoying & ANGRY.

(^^ but maybe it has to do with the technology?  Instant gratification & anxiety – related waiting on a reply (& expecting one promptly), and all that? + it’s been LONG & very thought out messages coming both ways, so that is a factor of emotional energy/brainpower too to read, comprehend, think of a response(s), type it out, reread it at least 1x, then send it.)

(God I am REALLY mad at/hate myself at this specific moment in time.)

I feel like I’ve consistently failed.

(and still am.)

And that, somewhere in the wisdom from my cells (–from my gut–)

my ‘comeuppance’ will come soon (but maybe it’s just guilt. [the heavy kind, from anxiety-driven brain])

But it also kind of feels like God is saying

‘here I am; come to me; it’ll be alright.’

or ‘give up and truly let go’ (of all my fantasies of control, perfection, love, relationships, the future, what I want/desire/feel like I need, the unforgiveness & hurt, etc, etc etc.)

(which is scary.)

(I feel all of these things right now, all at once.

^^LOL I WILL NEVER BE READY/GOOD ENOUGH FOR LOVE B/C THE LONLIENESS STILL REMAINS & THEN THERE’S GOD, YEAH, BUT THEN I GET SCARED I’M GOING TO USE SOMEONE LIKE I HAVE IN THE PAST SO THEN I JUST AVOID PEOPLE/CONVINCE MYSELF I DON’T NEED THEM/DON’T NEED TO FEEL LONELY/SAD B/C THEY’LL LEAVE ANYWAY, IT’S HOW LIFE IS, & I DON’T DESERVE IT & I GO BACK TO WHAT I KNOW (HABITS), AND ISOLATE MYSELF, ALONE.

So confusing and many other things (with thoughts attached to em) and I can’t shake it at the moment, but I know it’ll pass.  That girl’s facial expression is how I feel I look all the time (except only I don’t bite my nails) haha.)

 

But there’s some shooting stars tonight, so maybe I’ll head outside for a few minutes and try to catch a glimpse of them.  Guess there’s always tomorrow (screw that, I’m getting some shit done tonight.  I can’t stand to feel like crap when I could have done something (even 1 thing on my never-ending-to-do-list about it).  These have been my choices (& compulsions, and habits), but I can choose better.  I am fucking NOT perfect (hahahaha, soooo far from that), but I am someone who actually needs to fucking LEARN from my mistakes (and not do them again and take responsibility for herself/her life!!!!)

Also, ‘what if’ by darius rucker/lauren alaina (maybe?). It’s a pop country song.

What if,

what if,

what if.

Real Love Is Not Being Asked To Change, Or Asking Someone To Change For You — Thought Catalog

Cody BlackWe are inundated with millions of messages saying what ‘real’ love should look like, feel like, act like. Turn on the computer, scroll through your newsfeed, browse through images, read books—the idea is everywhere—that true love should behave or be presented a certain way. We fall victim to these words and pictures because they…

via Real Love Is Not Being Asked To Change, Or Asking Someone To Change For You — Thought Catalog

I let you in.

 

Furiously, stupidly, heroically.

(deeply, or so I thought.)

 

and it got scary, when I couldn’t breathe,

for fear of the anxiety pulsing in my chest.

 

But you were there.

 

And maybe you’ll leave (knowing me, hah.

I’m known to push people away.  I think I’m probably an expert at it by now.)

 

and no, I don’t trust all your silly words that feel like silky caresses —

I’m not that dumb anymore.

 

I have learned to put myself together, stitch by stitch,

memory by memory, and action by action these past few years.

 

and you (nor anyone else) ever has the permission to unravel me again.

 

God permitting.  (He can technically do that, though.)

 

 

So what  I’m trying to say is: I’m alright.

 

I’m strong.

 

I just put myself out there, truthfully, honestly, and as fully as I can be right now —

 

and whether or not you reject me,

whether the pain sends me reeling or questioning or spinning or lamenting or regretting or even to a slight depression again (God, it sounds so pathetic when I write it out loud.)

 

But I will be okay.  I truly will.  I will survive; and it will only sharpen, clarify things for me,

and strengthen my resolve to keep working on ME.  Keep taking care of ME.

(keep moving forward)

and get out of my silly daydreams.

 

live life.  Love the people who actually WANT me; who actually WANT to

love me back, who are in my life for a reason, who are gifts to me, and have committed themselves to me even though I didn’t ask for it, didn’t want to expect myself to commit to them too.

 

But that’s what you do to survive sometimes.  And that’s alright, too.

 

but until that moment happens, I’m going to keep sitting here, waiting and trying (but failing) to set you out of my mind.  To back it off a lil bit and play it more cool, while the excitement/anxiousness weaves its way through my thoughts, tainting my perspective at this point in time.

 

and I’ll hope a lil bit.

🙂  (it’s for sure scary; but look at how far I’ve come!  And how much I’ve gotten through in the past, and will get through right now.)

 

It doesn’t have to be do or die (but that’s my MO of relationships), and I don’t know how to change it.  I’m working on it, though.  Painfully aware of it, so much so.  Angry at myself for it.  Noticing; and that’s going to have to be enough to get me through this period.  Lol, I’ll put in the work when it really requires it (hah, that’s so bad — like I’m waiting for ‘crisis mode’ to strike.)  Well….that’s also kind of my MO too….at least I’m committed and dedicated.  *fist pump.*

 

You Are Somebody’s Someone, You Are Not Alone — Thought Catalog

@sapsanyashaThis world can be so painful. There is heartbreak and mistrust, broken promises and defeat. There are moments when we fall victim to vices, spinning wildly out of control. There are days when we struggle to rise, when we lose our footing completely, when we slip and fear we don’t have the strength to continue.…

via You Are Somebody’s Someone, You Are Not Alone — Thought Catalog