I know this is another
way, a slippery, slidey
one to avoid,
I won’t lie to myself about that.
Alright?! Come on!
Kick yourself in the ass and get GOING here!!
I like being sad,
feeling all the feelings so much that I get – stuck,
wrapped up inside of them.
Perhaps that is the fish’s way.
They actually know how to MOVE,
and do it WELL,
and are FLUID,
and I like to THINK I am…
but AM I,
Well maybe not.
If feelings are an ocean
and I have the tools and
and fins and scales
to glide through them gracefully,
adaptable-y, even — enjoyable-y,
then why do I get so damn
‘unmotivated’ in the present moment,
and tend to see them
more as walls, as obstacles to avoid,
as waves of doubt,
then what they really are?
Areas of water that I,
HAVE the skills and resources to swim through?
Hm, why am I like this?
Well, it could be what it is.
Perhaps it’s just quite simply:
I’m overwhelmed, stressed, and
I don’t USE these tools enough for them to be implemented and
practiced in my repertoire.
It’s easier for me to swim away and move away
and pretend they don’t exist, that the emotions
or thoughts that follow suit,
or actions that are attached to those —
are these big walls,
that I’ve only really created in myself,
in my own head,
by my own beliefs that I let suck me in
to their alluring voices —
like little tiny sirens.
Also — connected to this,
besides the reality of feeling shamed
scared unsure guilty scared unconfident trepidatious
and whatever — because I wasn’t really taught
to use my natural tools, but instead, repress them
and pretend they didn’t exist [or didn’t even KNOW they existed/I was allowed to utilize them], or not listen to my conscience or
intuition when I needed to (basically, not internal, intuitive and healthy self-care, but
this anxious and obsessive and fearful-oriented and overwhelmed big external-care-validation-comfort-seeking when I didn’t know what was going on and didn’t have the skills to verbalize that……)
basically I didn’t know how to self-soothe, wasn’t really taught to self-regulate, and stand up for myself
and be ME and feel authentic and loved and valued in that
unless I was some sort of draining people pleasing (which I thought WAS
me…but the more I sense through and work through these things, the more I realize how insidious it is in my life,
and just how it was NOT me, and I feel sad at my loss and current state of affairs as a result) —-
but ^ALL of this real stuff aside (probably a bigger contributor than I want to admit),
is that A) I present as very unsure and un-self-confident and B) I have like LITTLE to NO self-discipline.
I’m not sure how much/if/why/when these things connect and interweave together (and if it’s honestly even a connection I even need to be exploring anymore)
or if I can just let go and move free
and keep working on myself, on the things I can control —
how adaptable I CAN be, and what exactly these tools are (
that sometimes I feel unsure and bad about using because of the old ‘I’m overwhelmed and don’t trust myself and don’t know what to do )
I guess I need help on that front.
I guess I need to let people in. And somehow, someway,
keep sifting through the water on my own —
to prove to myself that I CAN. and be curious
about these tools and thankful and happy and STRONG and brave
and rooted and PROUD of myself
for both how far I’ve come,
and where I’m going.
Such is the emotional journey of the fish’s way.
Keep going, little fish.